College Union

I spent most of this past Thursday trying to resolve an “issue” within our campus ministry. It started out small enough, but throw in some miscommunication, mix it up with some interpersonal triangulation, and bake for over a week inside someone’s hurt feelings – I ended up with one big mess. When it comes to conflict in campus ministry – someone needs to lay down some rules on how to fight fair. Not like Tyler Durden in Chuck Palahniuk’s Fight Club, but like Christians.And yet I can hear some people saying it – “Christians aren’t suppose to get angry. We’re suppose to be nice and forgive each other. We’re suppose to turn the other cheek. Blah, blah, blah.”

It doesn’t matter if it’s a new leadership team, new intern, new staff, or new Board member – I find that Christians don’t know how to handle conflict in an honest, productive, and faithful way. So let me use the original rules of Fight Club to springboard into some of the rules of engaging in healthy conflict I’ve encountered over the past 9 years.

#1 – The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club. In other words – don’t talk about it with anyone who’s not involved. For Christians, this could be the one rule that could save us the most pain but is the hardest one to follow. We have confused gossip and triangulation with healthy patterns of communication within conflict. But instead of healing the situation, these practices only serve to further separate the two parties. We waste time and energy when we bring others into matters who have no business being involved. We don’t serve our friends by taking their side or taking on their offenses. The best choice to make is to deal with only those who are directly involved.

#2 – The second rule of Fight Club is, you DO NOT talk about Fight Club. Or in the words of Paul in Ephesians 4, “29 DO NOT let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” We need to pay more attention to what we say during conflicts so that they don’t get worse instead of better. I know he/she/they did you wrong – but how is blaming, accusing, or cussing (just to name a few) going to help in the situation? Many of us get so mad that the filters on our mouths stop working and all kinds of damaging words come out – words we regret later. We must strive to “speak the truth in love” with the power of God’s Spirit and the accountability of our brothers and sisters in Christ.

#3 – If someone says stop, goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. A conflict is not resolved when someone pummels the other person into a bloody pulp. When it comes to conflict, most Christians believe that there has to be a winner and a loser. It’s this kind of adversial attitude that blinds those involved to the solution right in front of them. A conflict has been resolved when both parties take the time to share their grievances, listen and understand one another, and ultimately reconcile. The goal is greater understanding – if you know that, you won’t be as tempted to win the argument but potentially loose the relationship.

#4 – Two guys to a fight. This has Matthew 18 written all over it – “if you find yourself at the altar . . . go to your brother”. It doesn’t say “go tell everyone you know about how wrong/mean/insensitive they are” – but go to your brother. Most of the time, problems would be solved easier and with less community drama if people would only keep the guidelines Jesus outlines here. As campus ministers, we can talk about how conflicts will be handled each time we bring on a new leadership team, staff member, or Board member. It won’t mean they will always follow it, but at least it is out there in the group’s memory. But more than words, we are called to teach, re-teach, and model how to deal with conflict for those around us.

#5 – One fight at a time. This applies to friendship, people in dating relationships, marriages, and those who serve together in a ministry – deal with the current issue only. The problem with not keeping this rule is that we let things pile up, keep a list of grievances, and build a case against one another to the point that it all explodes when the smallest thing happens. You’ve seen it before – when someone’s reaction to an issue doesn’t match the offense. It’s hard enough working through the conflict that can happen each day, let alone trying to resolve weeks, months, or years of unresolved issues. Ephesians 4:26-27 says “26″In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold.”

#6 – No shirts, no shoes. Sorry – I can’t make them all fit.

#7 – Fights will go on as long as they have to. It’s important to give people room to work out their issues with one another, but you can’t let it go on forever. As campus ministers, we need to keep our eyes on the individuals involved and the ministry as a whole. Especially if a conflict begins to take visible expressions within a group – it is time for you to intervene. Offer to buy everyone involved lunch, call an emergency meeting, find a mediator, or remove people from ministry duties until a truce or break-through is reached. Don’t let personal issues start to poison the whole community before you do something about it.

#8 – If this is your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight. Being a Christian or serving in a Christian community does not exclude us from having conflicts with others – I believe it increases the certainty. It’s not if you get into disagreements, arguments, tiffs, and all out wars that makes you a Christian – its how you deal with them when they come up.

Creighton Drew Alexander
Campus Pastor
Wesley KU

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